Why We Must Win The War on Christmas

Bill O'Reilly and his compatriots at Fox News are once again fighting the Good Fight, taking on the vile foes of Christmas who would silence our season's greetings.

Yes, that's right, I said the Good Fight. Am I as crazy as they are? It's bleedingly obvious that there is, in fact, no "war on Christmas", despite all those infidels who say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." It's a joke, right? Yes, when considered literally. But mythically? Oh, it's quite real.

You see, the wingnuts have taken literally what is meant to be a figurative and mythical battle -- the ancient war between the Yule King and the Summer King over who would rule the seasons of the year. It's a ritual war at the Winter Solstice where the Yule King ritually loses to the Summer King, whose power then rises in ascendance until it peaks at the Summer Solstice and gives way to the new reign of the Yule King. 

Since this is a mythic pattern, it plays out in many ways. In our current culture, it's the ritual annual threat that, if not met and won, will CANCEL CHRISTMAS. It means a year without a Santa Clause. Countless holiday specials dramatize this ancient story, with some circumstance threatening the very existence of the sacred time. Only through pluck, grit, courage, and an open heart, can Winter be beaten back and the Light of the coming year be rekindled. 

The threat comes in many forms: the shriveled heart of Ebenezer Scrooge (necessitating ghostly intervention), a rising fog that prevents Santa from flying (Rudolph to the rescue!), a boy left home alone (you know what I'm talking about), the passing of the old king and the crowning of the new (Tim Allen's lame The Santa Clause), or the machinations of the Bogey Man (Nightmare Before Christmas and Rise of the Guardians). Or, of course, those atheist scum who sue local governments and force the removal of Nativity scenes from public grounds (the local church's Nativity scene to the rescue!).

So, you see, Christmas (the Solstice, Yule, etc.) is threatened every year -- as it must always be. And each year, defenders arise to fight back the Darkness. If those defenders are blinkered idiots like Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity who completely misunderstand what they're fighting for or why, then so be it. The story must ever be told.